Giving Tuesday Honoring The Loveland Family

It can be hard to communicate just how much your gift means to a family, but Becky Loveland, one of our Love Not Lost recipients, wrote a beautiful piece to share their family’s experience with you.

Photo of the Loveland Family by Shawna Del Valle, one of our Love Not Lost photographer volunteers

A few years before Kelson left us for Heaven, his sister, Emma Sue, came to me with giant, tearful eyes, “Mom, Kelson hasn’t asked Jesus into his heart!!!” No amount of reassurance that Kelson, who was nonverbal, didn’t have to actually ask for his salvation, would calm her troubled heart. As we drew closer and closer to the day Kelson would earn his wings, I shared this story with his remarkable hospice nurse, Lanise; within a couple of days, we had formulated a plan for Kelson’s baptism here at home, in the early weeks of the pandemic. She knew of a wonderful organization called Love Not Lost, who would be willing to offer photography services for Kelson’s baptism, and would we be interested in something like that? We couldn’t accept this priceless gift quickly enough.

Emma Sue was at the helm and planned every single part of the baptism service, from Kelson’s outfit to the program for the day to the food we served for breakfast. As it was, our family and friends were unable to attend Kelson’s baptism, which was less than one month from the day he left us for Heaven. Kelson’s hospice nurse and chaplain were two of four guests who celebrated this special day with our family…the beautiful folks who volunteered with Love Not Lost were the other two. The photos they captured that day, in the most compassionate, subtle and unobtrusive manner, will forever be a treasure to each of us.

Giving to Love Not Lost means tangible, precious memories for families like ours. It means being able to remember a time you maybe didn’t realize you would want to remember. It means being able to hold on to someone long after he has gone on before you. It means something different to every family this incredible organization touches. For our family, it means a visible reminder that our son and brother did welcome Jesus into his heart, and it lets our hearts rest a little easier when we pick up our gorgeous album and see our beloved boy looking back at us through the lens that is Love Not Lost.

On behalf of our family, and so many others in an impossibly difficult time…thank you for your invaluable kindness and generosity.

To all of the givers in our community, THANK YOU. You are truly changing lives and helping people heal in grief. We are not able to do this important work without you.

If you’re not a giver yet, but want to help families like the Lovelands, your gift to Love Not Lost will be doubled today with our $6,000 matching grant!

Thank you for your generosity and support. Everyone deserves to be loved and supported through loss. Together, we will revolutionize the way we heal in grief.

Meet the Momin Family, Our 100th Family Served!

We are so thrilled to share that we’ve served our 100th family in the history of Love Not Lost! Meet the Momin Family.

The Momin Family applied for their session letting us know that their youngest daughter, Sakina, has rare genetic disorder called Krabbe Disease.

Their application continued, “Krabbe has life expectancy of 2 years of age and she’s already 19 months. We want to make every effort to make memories with her every single moment and I think, having a photo session with you will be a great honor and help us make lifelong memories with my daughter.”

Because of generous donors like you, we were able to show up! We took some beautiful portraits in the living room with grandparents before moving outside to capture the brilliant fall colors in the background.

Sakina loved the outside and even opened her eyes for some photos while her dad was holding her. As the sun set, we went back into the house to warm up and take a few more photos in Sakina’s room and in the upstairs balcony.

The driving question for everything we do is “How can we love people better?” and when you donate to Love Not Lost, you are helping us spread love and healing to those facing loss.

Your support allows us to show up for families like the Momin family to preserve memories with generational impact. Thank you!!! These memories truly are priceless.

Love Requires Action: Healing Our Nation

In our last post, we shared the importance of healing when it comes to the trauma, deaths, and destruction caused to the black communities since they were forced to be enslaved and imprisoned in the founding and continued existence of the United States of America. 

As a reminder: To heal, we must grieve. To grieve, we must feel. To feel, we must acknowledge and be present with the pain. 

And to be present in the deep injustices of our country’s history is uncomfortable. There are so many systemic problems we can’t fix as individuals that may leave us feeling helpless, but we must focus on the healing work we CAN do. Nothing can change what has happened. Instead, we have to sit with it, let the pain be heard. We must listen, understand, and move through the pain in a way that honors it so we can heal. 

So what honors the pain of death, injustice, destruction and racism? 

To my brothers and sisters who have benefitted from the white system: I want to share what I’ve been learning and doing in the hope that I encourage your process of sitting in the pain and beginning the healing work: 

Acknowledgement. 

First and foremost, we must acknowledge there is pain and trauma that is driven by the color of our skin. It’s important to acknowledge that as an individual with white skin, we’ve been a part of a system that works for us – and often against people with skin seen as a color other than white. America’s history is full of injustice, murder, and loss. Fear has been used to maintain control. For those of us who were born into an "America" that we took pride in, this can be especially challenging to acknowledge. When we identify as an American, "where at least I know I am free," it is hard to have that identity tied to something you're not proud of... slavery, murder, a land that was stolen where people of color weren't free. We must choose love over pride and acknowledge our horrific past and the injustices that still continue today. 

Relationship.

Fear comes from the unknown. If we have been taught that Black people are scary/threatening/dangerous but we don’t actually know a Black person, it can be easy to let fear keep us believing the lie the Black people are scary/threatening/dangerous. Growth, empathy, learning, culture, and love are just some of the benefits of having diversity in our lives. Oftentimes, we are surrounded by people who look, act, and think like us. We need to take inventory and see where we can intentionally choose differently to expand our perspective and relationships. If we are surrounded by people who are like us, ask the question why? Why is diversity lacking here (neighborhood/work/gym/etc)? Then ask what are things I can do to change that? How can we diversify the people we interact with? If you’re a parent, you have the ability to control the surroundings of your children when they’re young and continue shaping them as they get older. Little will change in our hearts until we truly love people who are different from us and hold them dear. How can we truly love others without being in proximity and relationship with them? Let’s choose love over fear in our relationships.

Safety.

We need to create safe spaces to listen to our brothers and sisters of color. Safety is key in healing from trauma. Safe means without fear – which is unique to each individual. Safety in communication can be setting clear expectations before starting, giving undivided attention, remaining calm, breathing deep when tension arises, pausing to collect thoughts to respond instead of react, keeping the goal of safe communication at the forefront of your mind, refrain from interrupting, respectfully disagreeing without attacking, watching your tone/body language/etc. And as we've seen lately, safety in physical presence is incredibly important too. 

Listen to Understand.

Don’t interrupt. Don’t make it about you. Don’t dismiss pain. Listen to understand. This is true for any grief situation, and is true for racism too. We need to hear our brother and sisters of color when they tell us they’re tired. We need to hear them when they tell us they are traumatized by every new story that makes headlines where an innocent black man or woman has been killed… AGAIN. We need to understand why they are afraid to exist in white communities. We need to listen and feel their generational fear, pain, rage, grief and desperation with empathy and compassion. We need to listen to understand in a way their pain becomes our own. 

Education. 

Growing up in white majority schools, we may not have learned about the Haitian Revolution of 1791 or Nat Turner’s Revolt in 1831 or the Tulsa Massacre of 1921 or the Mississippi Burning Murders of 1964… We were likely taught about the civil war, significant court cases, Rosa Parks, Dr. MLK Jr.,as  a lesson of the civil rights movement of the past – but now everything's okay. In addition to schools being biased toward the white narrative, the media has been the same. Although Oprah, Tiger Woods, Beyoncé, Denzel Washington, John Coltrane, Jackie Robinson, Michael Jordan, the Williams sisters, and many others made it mainstream in entertainment and sports, there was little to no attention for incredibly successful and notable black Americans like Shirley Chisholm, Xernona Clayton, Katherine Johnson, Guion Bluford Jr., Gwendolyn Brooks, Charles Drew, Zora Hurston, and countless others. 

People of color’s voices and experiences should be front and center so we can see the world through their eyes. We need to expand our vision and learn how reality can be different than what we know to be our experience. This is our work to do. We can not rely on our Black friends or co-workers to educate us. As white people, we need to seek out books like White Fragility and How To Be An AntiRacist, blogs, podcasts, social media accounts, and other resources that already exist. We must do the work. And then continue to look at your own life for evaluation. What are you learning and who you are learning from? What are the things you need to unlearn? Where do you see racism in yourself, your home, your neighborhood, your community, your life? 

Accountability. 

Find a safe friend who is on a similar journey that you can struggle with. This is not easy. You may feel overwhelmed, tired, offended, confused, hurt, misunderstood, and a plethora of other feelings while you’re doing the work. Having a safe friend on a similar journey can make a huge difference in feeling stuck versus moving forward. We must keep going. Black lives and future lives depend on it. 

Apologize and Act. .  

When there’s been a wrong, an apology is often necessary. Not just a simple “I’m sorry” and moving on… This is a deep, heart-broken relational understanding of the pain and the desire to take ownership of change. My friend Kevin Jennings (link) taught me the anatomy of an apology is clarity, accountability, empathy, and humility when we ask for forgiveness. But the apology is just the start.

Love requires action. We’ve sat by while racist leaders have continued to make policies, laws, and systems that keep working in their favor and against people of color. We need to vote in the local elections, not just the national ones. We need to call the leaders of our cities and the cities where the injustices are happening to share our voice. We can call the DA’s office. Sign petitions. Donate to causes who are working on real change in the system and fighting for innocent black people everywhere. Build relationships. Educate yourself. Listen and act. Keep doing the work to create change.

Revolutions are a long-term vision. We at Love Not Lost are on a mission to revolutionize the way we show up and heal in grief, – therefore, we believe that anti-racism is a critical part of this healing revolution. The system has a gaping wound that needs healing. We need to weave the safety, understanding, and action into the fabric of our lives to create a new America - one that works for every color that we can be proud of. 

This is not a sprint. Keep doing your research. Keep voting. Keep taking care of yourself. Keep adding black leaders and influencers into your consumption of media. Keep listening to and checking on your friends of color. Keep supporting their businesses. Keep being intentional about breaking down your own racism that comes as a part of living in America. Keep creating safe and loving environments. Keep having the hard conversations. 

And Finally,

Keep Choosing Love Over Fear. 

This is a core value to Love Not Lost and it’s something we believe deeply: every decision comes down to love or fear. Which will you choose? Racism is fear. Anger is fear. We can choose how we live in every moment - choosing love over fear. This is our time to build the future that lifts everyone. One that is centered around love, safety, and equal opportunity for all.

It is going to take every person reading this to do the work. Share it. Be a part of building a better future - one where our brothers and sisters of color can leave their house without fear, where they can rest, where they can be successful, where they can watch their kids grow up to have loving, full lives. Choose love over fear.

This is what it looks like to heal. Please join us in the revolution.

Black Lives Matter & The Unresolved Grief Plaguing Our Nation

I’ve been listening. I didn’t want to post a Black Lives Matter statement without any weight behind it just because other companies were doing so. Words are important, but the action behind these specific words are critical to creating change and healing. I also wanted to make sure I had our entire leadership’s support behind this post. We believe this is a critical moment in our history that should not be taken lightly. 

Grief doesn’t discriminate and neither do we - as an organization and as individuals. At Love Not Lost, we love you regardless of the color of your skin, gender, or any other identifier. We love you because you’re human, and your life is valuable. 

There are two great wounds and griefs plaguing our nation. The deaths, destruction, and trauma caused to the indigenous tribes when the white settlers first came to America and the trauma, deaths, and destruction caused to the black communities since they were forced to be enslaved and imprisoned in the founding and continued existence of the United States of America. 

These wounds have been festering for centuries under the red white and blue fabric covering the nation. And it's time to peel the coverings off. 

Black lives matter. 

Why does Love Not Love believe this matters? 

To heal, we must grieve. To grieve, we must feel. To feel, we must acknowledge and be present with the pain. And to be present in the deep injustices of our country’s history is uncomfortable. There are so many systemic problems we can’t fix as individuals that may leave us feeling helpless, but we must focus on the healing work we CAN do.

That’s both the beauty and the really hard thing about grief. You can’t fix it. Nothing can change what has happened. Instead, we have to sit with it, let the pain be heard. We can let it be our teacher. We must listen, understand, and move through the pain in a way that honors it so we can heal. 

In order to do this, we must be healthy individuals. When we are unhealthy - not just unhealthy physically, but tapped out mentally, emotionally, and spiritually - we are much more likely to be pushed beyond our breaking point. Invest in your health and well-being. Focus on self-care. Talk to a therapist. Participate in yoga, walking, or journaling regularly. Make meditation a part of your daily practice. Take the time to unplug, disconnect from the news and drama in the world, and give some rest to your soul. Go for a hike or whatever works for you as an individual. Don't let the troubles of the day control your behavior and actions.

If a simple request or light confrontation sends us into fight (or flight or freeze) mode, there is something deeper below the surface we need to address. We need to continue the work on ourselves so that we can keep showing up in the best version of ourselves - able to hold space for the pain and hurt of others instead of being the one hurt and causing pain. 

We’ll have some tangible steps to do the work in the anti-racism revolution in our next post, Love Requires Action.

This Is NOT Normal…

In life and in grief, our words matter more than you think. Our words help create our realities. The words we use can cause pain or they can bring healing.

Lately, I’ve been hearing people say things like, “Just adjusting and figuring out this new normal…” or “What is your new normal routine?” But I want to address this, because for those on the front lines facing trauma every day or for those who are losing family members because of this virus… THIS IS NOT NORMAL. THIS IS A CRISIS.

Beth Chase, a thoughtful woman I enjoy nerding out with about psychology and neuroscience, was the one who brought this to my attention… and since then, I can’t help but see and hear it on social media, in conversation, and elsewhere.

I have referred to my life after a traumatic loss as “my new normal” in the past and I can understand why people want to use it now. But Beth brought up such a good point - this is long-term trauma, this is not normal.

Don’t get me wrong… we will eventually get to a new normal, but it will be after the trauma, after the crisis, after we get through the pain and suffering. This is hard because right now, we don’t know how long this trauma period will last. And in the meantime, it’s stirring up a lot of fear and anxiety.

If you are calling it a “new normal” as a way to cope, there is space for that. This is after all a new trauma experience and there is grace for what you need to do to take care of you and survive.

However, if you are using “new normal” as a phrase you picked up from hearing others say it without giving it much thought, we are asking you to re-evaluate your words. The truth is that this is not normal.

Dr. Kim Eckert, my therapist and trusted advisor shared this with me:

Thomas Merton said "We make ourselves real by telling the truth." And the truth is that no one knows what normal will be like after this. That, in itself, is anxiety-producing. We typically spend a lot of energy trying to predict and control the future, and the illusion of that control is front and center for all of us right now. 

For people on the frontlines or in the thick of trauma every day, this current state is not normal, nor would people want it to be…

• Those working on the front lines caring for patients who are suffering and dying daily

• Those who are at home with no food and no way to get it

• Those who are caring for their children by themselves while trying to keep their job

• Those who are losing loved ones (some suffering multiple losses within a short time)

• Those who are without a job and can’t find a source of income or help right now

• Those experiencing homelessness who struggle to stay healthy

• Those whose home life is abusive and are being forced to shelter there

• Those who are ill and completely isolated without family to support them

• Those who run a small business and are losing all of their investments

• Those who live alone, have zero outside connection, and have no support now

• Those who are forced to work to keep a paycheck, even if they’re at risk

There was a guy on twitter who is a nurse in a hot zone who watched 5 people die on one shift and shared that they are working the best they can to take care of everyone but no one is taking care of them. That is not normal. That is a crisis. And sadly, there are many more stories like that.

Dr. Kim also had this to say:

It's not normal to have unemployment go up exponentially overnight. It's not normal to have the world look more like an apocalyptic novel than how it looked three months ago. It's not normal to be unable to buy hand sanitizer and toilet paper. These are not normal things, and we don't need to say that they are. We need to acknowledge the reality of what IS: we are in a global crisis. No one knows when or how we will get to the other side of the crisis. We are in the eye of the storm, and so we do not need to adjust to a "new normal," because the eye of the storm is not normal. We need to survive the storm in the best and healthiest way we can, using any and all of the healthy coping tools we know. 

It may be that calling it a "new normal" IS a coping mechanism, and there’s space for that. We are all doing the best we can, and the reality of a crisis is that we need to give ourselves and others grace to get through.

I believe we can build a better “new normal” together. But for now, we are coping. We are figuring out how to navigate a crisis. We are witnessing all of the vulnerabilities exposed in our societies and can hopefully make efforts individually and collectively to strengthen them. If we are able, we can honor the trauma, feel the pain, and grieve the losses. We are all in this new space together.

With everything we do, we can choose love over fear… even in our words. So if you are not using a “new normal” as a coping tool, will you join me in shifting your words?

A new normal is coming, but it’s not here yet.

There is no loss too small...

Whether you have lost your ability to graduate, host an event, hang out with friends, or any other loss in your life that may feel small compared to losing a loved one, please know…

There is no loss too small to grieve.

There seems to be a lot of guilt and shame attached to grief right now due to the comparison of losses, which prevents us from fully feeling whatever our loss is. And dismissing our pain prevents us from fully feeling it and healing. Whatever you do, do not compare your loss to anyone else’s loss. There is no right way to grieve and there is no timeline to grief.

We are all collectively and actively grieving right now.

And we have a collective invitation to actively heal together in this moment too.

To heal is to grieve. To grieve is to feel. And to feel is to be present.

If you are upset over missing a birthday party, you don’t need to be feeling guilty for that sadness when you hear of other people losing their job or a family member. Your pain over your loss is valid. It’s important. And it needs to be felt… no matter how small.

When you’re suffering a loss of any size, how do you grieve?

It’s important to be present with your emotions. As we said before, healing is feeling. It’s easy to want to shove uncomfortable feelings down, ignore them, or numb them, but doing so adds to the pain over the long-term.

At Love Not Lost, we believe the body is an active participant in this life, which means it is an active participant in grief too. The natural state of the body desires to be whole and healed. When we get a paper cut, our bodies go into healing mode. On simplified level, the pain communicates to us that the injury is present, the blood clots, and new skin grows, and we’re healed. When we face emotional pain, our bodies work without our control to start the healing process too - it just looks different. Instead of blood clotting, sometimes tears may flow.

With significant injuries, sometimes our bodies need help. Whether it’s a severed limb or a shattered heart, we can support our bodies to heal but we have to know what they need.

We have developed a self-care toolkit to help people support their bodies, minds, and souls through the process and have been diving into it on our Instagram account. In our self-care toolkit lessons, we have looked at ways to support our bodies and have dug into the aspects of rest, love, and peace so far. We won’t dive into that here since the videos can be watched at any time, but beyond the self-care toolkit, what else can you do to grieve and support your body throughout the losses you’ve felt?

Here are 10 things you can try:

1. Cry it out. This may seem simple, but crying is an incredible release that we often try to subconsciously avoid and may even apologize for it. Let it out!

2. Take grief to someone you trust. Having emotional support from the outside can be critical when our burdens have become too much to bear.

3. Sit in the sun. Not only will you get vitamin D and other great benefits from the sunlight, but you also can have a moment to be present with your feelings if you can sit in peace and quiet.

4. If trauma is a part of your story, seek out help specific to trauma like EMDR therapy or other brain/body work to help you heal.

5. Be selective on who you let into your life. When in pain, the last thing you need is more pain or negativity. Right now, you need to be surrounded by love as much as you can, so choose your community intentionally.

6. Don’t isolate yourself. It can be tempting to want to hole up in your room and never leave your bed or your house, but being with the right people can help lift your mood, remind you that you’re not alone even if it feels that way, and can help you get outside of yourself to think of others.

7. Write out your feelings. If you’re not a talker, sometimes writing can be the best therapy. It’s a safe space for you to feel everything and release it without fear, worry, or judgement. If you want extra security or release, you can burn the pages once you’re finished.

8. Practice gratitude - not in a way that minimizes what you’re feeling, but in a way that genuinely appreciates what you have. This can be making a list, saying it out loud, or sharing with people you love.

9. Meditation. If you’re a beginner, there are incredible apps out there that have short guided meditations to help you lower anxiety and sit with feelings. If you’re experienced in meditation, maybe you take it up a level and go into a float tank.

10. Rest. True rest. Not just sleep, but allowing your body to come down out of survival mode and have a break. Everyone is unique, so what is rest to one person may look different, but it’s important to figure out what rest is for you and make it a priority.

Regardless of your method, being mindful of your body, your feelings, and your needs is critical to healing. We will be sharing more on the blog soon and across our social channels @lovenotlostorg. We look forward to sharing more to support you in this journey.