In life and in grief, our words matter more than you think. Our words help create our realities. The words we use can cause pain or they can bring healing.
Lately, I’ve been hearing people say things like, “Just adjusting and figuring out this new normal…” or “What is your new normal routine?” But I want to address this, because for those on the front lines facing trauma every day or for those who are losing family members because of this virus… THIS IS NOT NORMAL. THIS IS A CRISIS.
Beth Chase, a thoughtful woman I enjoy nerding out with about psychology and neuroscience, was the one who brought this to my attention… and since then, I can’t help but see and hear it on social media, in conversation, and elsewhere.
I have referred to my life after a traumatic loss as “my new normal” in the past and I can understand why people want to use it now. But Beth brought up such a good point - this is long-term trauma, this is not normal.
Don’t get me wrong… we will eventually get to a new normal, but it will be after the trauma, after the crisis, after we get through the pain and suffering. This is hard because right now, we don’t know how long this trauma period will last. And in the meantime, it’s stirring up a lot of fear and anxiety.
If you are calling it a “new normal” as a way to cope, there is space for that. This is after all a new trauma experience and there is grace for what you need to do to take care of you and survive.
However, if you are using “new normal” as a phrase you picked up from hearing others say it without giving it much thought, we are asking you to re-evaluate your words. The truth is that this is not normal.
Dr. Kim Eckert, my therapist and trusted advisor shared this with me:
Thomas Merton said "We make ourselves real by telling the truth." And the truth is that no one knows what normal will be like after this. That, in itself, is anxiety-producing. We typically spend a lot of energy trying to predict and control the future, and the illusion of that control is front and center for all of us right now.
For people on the frontlines or in the thick of trauma every day, this current state is not normal, nor would people want it to be…
Those working on the front lines caring for patients who are suffering and dying daily
Those who are at home with no food and no way to get it
Those who are caring for their children by themselves while trying to keep their job
Those who are losing loved ones (some suffering multiple losses within a short time)
Those who are without a job and can’t find a source of income or help right now
Those experiencing homelessness who struggle to stay healthy
Those whose home life is abusive and are being forced to shelter there
Those who are ill and completely isolated without family to support them
Those who run a small business and are losing all of their investments
Those who live alone, have zero outside connection, and have no support now
Those who are forced to work to keep a paycheck, even if they’re at risk
There was a guy on twitter who is a nurse in a hot zone who watched 5 people die on one shift and shared that they are working the best they can to take care of everyone but no one is taking care of them. That is not normal. That is a crisis. And sadly, there are many more stories like that.
Dr. Kim also had this to say:
It's not normal to have unemployment go up exponentially overnight. It's not normal to have the world look more like an apocalyptic novel than how it looked three months ago. It's not normal to be unable to buy hand sanitizer and toilet paper. These are not normal things, and we don't need to say that they are. We need to acknowledge the reality of what IS: we are in a global crisis. No one knows when or how we will get to the other side of the crisis. We are in the eye of the storm, and so we do not need to adjust to a "new normal," because the eye of the storm is not normal. We need to survive the storm in the best and healthiest way we can, using any and all of the healthy coping tools we know.
It may be that calling it a "new normal" IS a coping mechanism, and there’s space for that. We are all doing the best we can, and the reality of a crisis is that we need to give ourselves and others grace to get through.
I believe we can build a better “new normal” together. But for now, we are coping. We are figuring out how to navigate a crisis. We are witnessing all of the vulnerabilities exposed in our societies and can hopefully make efforts individually and collectively to strengthen them. If we are able, we can honor the trauma, feel the pain, and grieve the losses. We are all in this new space together.
With everything we do, we can choose love over fear… even in our words. So if you are not using a “new normal” as a coping tool, will you join me in shifting your words?
A new normal is coming, but it’s not here yet.